I have to admit that. The factor of
audience was of primary importance in either else.
Its effect upon me was to make me in many respects adolescent again.
It made me keener upon the point of honour, and anxious and eager to
do high and splendid things, and in particular, brave things. So far it
ennobled and upheld me. But it did also push me towards vulgar and showy
things. At bottom it was disingenuous; it gave my life the quality of
stage scenery, with one side to the audience, another side that wasn't
meant to show, and an economy of substance. It certainly robbed my work
of high patience and quality. I cut down the toil of research in my
eagerness and her eagerness for fine flourishes in the air, flights that
would tell. I shirked the longer road.
And it robbed me, too, of any fine perception of absurdity.
Yet that was not everything in our relationship. The elemental thing was
there also. It came in very suddenly.
It was one day in the summer, though I do not now recall without
reference to my experimental memoranda whether it was in July or
August.
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