But then, on the other hand, I am
reminded that I did not sin wilfully,--that I did not err purposely or
wantonly,--that what I did amiss I did in ignorance,--that I verily
believed myself in the way of duty when I went astray,--that I was
influenced by a desire to know the truth,--that I believed myself, at
the outset, bound as a Christian, and as a creature of God, to use my
faculties to the utmost in searching the Scriptures, and exploring
Nature, in pursuit of truth,--that when I advocated infidel views, I
advocated them believing them to be true, and believing that truth must
be most conducive to the virtue and happiness of mankind. True,
appearances were against me; but I felt myself bound, even when an
unbeliever, to "walk by faith,"--by faith in principles which I supposed
myself to have found to be true. My life, even in my worst condition,
was a life of self-sacrifice for what I regarded as eternal truth. When
I gave up my belief in a Fatherly God, and my faith in a blessed
immortality, I believed myself to be making a sacrifice at the shrine of
truth. I thought I heard her voice from the infinite universe demanding
the surrender, and conscience compelled me to comply with the demand. I
felt the dreadful nature of the sacrifice, but what could I do?
I remember the words I uttered, and I remember the mingled emotions
which filled and agitated my soul, on that occasion.
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