This Mr. Illman was the gentleman mentioned on a
former page, whom I attended on his bed of death.
The result of my visit to Dr. Redman was, that I never afterwards felt
the same impatience with Spiritualists, or the same inclination to
pronounce them all foolish or dishonest, that I had felt before. It was
plain, that whether their theory of a spirit world was true or not, they
were excusable in thinking it true. It _looked_ like truth. I did not
myself conclude from what I had seen, that it was true, but I was
satisfied that there was more in this wonderful universe than could be
accounted for on the coarse materialistic principles of Atheism. My
skepticism was not destroyed, but it was shaken and confounded. And now,
when I look back on these things, it seems strange that it was not
entirely swept away. But believing and disbelieving are habits, and they
are subject to the same laws as other habits. You may exercise yourself
in doubting till you become the slave of doubt. And this was what I had
done. I had exercised myself in doubting, till my tendencies to doubt
had become irresistible. My faith, both in God and man, seemed entirely
gone. I had not, so far as I can see, so much as "a grain of mustard
seed" left. So far as religious matters were concerned, I was insane.
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