I am inclined however to think that I had not
so much trust in Providence, as I ought to have had. I certainly had not
so much as I have now. But then, I am better off now than I was then.
But I was lacking, to some extent, in Christian trust in God, as well as
in resignation to His will, and hence my uneasiness. Many a time when I
laid myself down on my bed at night, instead of going to sleep, I spent
long hours in thought about my business, looking in every direction for
a prospect of supplies to enable me to pay the wages of my men, and
purchase paper. The first thing was to think of all the men that owed me
money,--to consider which of all the number would be likely to send me
remittances in time, and to reckon up the sums, to see if they would
enable me to meet the demands upon me. The next thing was to do the same
thing over again; and the next, to do it over again a third time. All
this was accompanied with long and deep-drawn sighs, which were listened
to by a fond and wakeful bedfellow, who silently sympathized with me in
all my trials, and who was as restless and anxious as myself. Sometimes
I moaned, and sometimes I prayed; and when I was wearied out with my
fruitless labors, I fell asleep. It would have been better, if I could
have done it, to have "given to the winds my fears," and lost myself in
peaceful and refreshing slumbers; for generally, on the following
morning, the needful supplies arrived.
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