" Then I sprang to my feet crying: "Impossible!"
The next day, I did the same thing.
In Smith's presence, Brigitte treated me with more tenderness than when
we were alone. It happened one evening that some hard words escaped us;
when she heard his voice in the hall, she came and sat on my knees. As
for him, it seemed to me he was always making an effort to control
himself. His gestures were carefully regulated; he spoke slowly and
prudently, so that his occasional moments of forgetfulness seemed all the
more striking.
Was it curiosity that tormented me? I remember that one day I saw a man
drowning near Pont Royale. It was midsummer and we were rowing on the
river; some thirty boats were crowded together under the bridge when,
suddenly, one of the occupants of a boat near mine threw up his hands and
fell overboard. We immediately began diving for him, but in vain; some
hours later the body was found under a raft.
I shall never forget my experience as I was diving for that man. I opened
my eyes under the water and searched painfully here and there in the dark
corners about the pier; then I returned to the surface for breath, then
resumed my horrible search. I was filled with hope and terror; the
thought that I might feel myself seized by convulsive arms, allured me
and, at the same time, thrilled me with horror; when I was exhausted with
fatigue, I climbed back into my boat.
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