These periods
of exaltation sometimes lasted several hours, during which time, I
exhausted myself in foolish expressions of love and esteem. Then morning
came; day appeared; I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, and I awakened
with a smile on my lips, mocking at everything, believing in nothing.
During these terrible hours, Brigitte appeared to forget that there was
another man in me than the one she saw. When I asked her pardon she
shrugged her shoulders as though to say: "Do you not know that I pardon
you?" She would not complain as long as a spark of love remained in my
heart; she assured me that all was good and sweet coming from me,
insults, as well as tears.
And yet as time passed my evil grew worse, my moments of malignity and
irony became more somber and intractable. A real physical fever attended
my outbursts of passion; I awakened trembling in every limb and covered
with cold sweat. Brigitte, too, although she did not complain of it,
began to fail in health. When I began to abuse her she would leave me
without a word and lock herself in her room. Thank God, I have never
raised my hand against her; in my most violent moments I would rather die
than touch her.
One evening the rain was beating against the windows; we were alone, the
curtains closed.
"I am in happy humor this evening," I said to Brigitte, "and yet the
beastly weather saddens me. Let us seek some diversion in spite of the
storm.
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