It is thus he spits on all the feasts and pleasures of his life,
and that between an ardent thirst and a profound satiety a feeling of
tranquil vanity leads him to his death.
Although I was no longer a debauchee it came to pass that my body
suddenly remembered that it had been. It is easy to understand why I had
not felt the effects of it sooner. While mourning my father's death,
every other thought was crowded from my mind. Then a passionate love
succeeded; while I was alone, ennui had nothing to struggle for. Sad or
gay, fair or foul, what matters it to him who is alone?
As zinc, that demi-metal, drawn from the blue vein where it lies
sleeping, attracts to itself a ray of light when placed near a piece of
green leather, thus Brigitte's kisses gradually awakened in my heart what
had been buried there. At her side I perceived what I really was.
There were days when I felt such a strange sensation in the mornings,
that it is impossible for me to define it. I awakened without a motive,
feeling like a man who has spent the night in eating and drinking to the
point of exhaustion. All external sensations caused me insupportable
fatigue, all well-known objects of daily life repelled and annoyed me; if
I spoke, it was in ridicule of what others thought or of what I thought
myself. Then, extended on the bed, as though incapable of motion, I
dismissed all thought of undertaking whatever had been agreed upon the
evening before; I recalled all the tender and loving things I had said to
my mistress during my better moments, and was not satisfied until I had
spoiled and poisoned those memories of happy days.
Pages:
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190