Nature recoils as the condemned walks to death. I can not
express what I experienced while waiting for that girl to go, unless it
was as though my pistol had said to me "Think what you are about to do."
Since then I have often wondered what would have happened to me if the
girl had departed immediately. Doubtless the first flush of shame would
have subsided; sadness is not despair, and God has joined them in order
that one should not leave us alone with the other. Once relieved of the
presence of that woman, my heart would have become calm. There would
remain only repentance, for the angel of pardon has forbidden man to
kill. But I was doubtless cured for life; debauchery was once for all
driven from my door and I would never again know the feeling of disgust
with which its first visit had inspired me.
But it happened otherwise. The struggle which was going on within, the
poignant reflections which overwhelmed me, the disgust, the fear, the
wrath, even (for I experienced all these emotions at the same time), all
these fatal powers nailed me to my chair, and, while I was thus a prey to
the most dangerous delirium, the creature, standing before my mirror,
thought of nothing but how best to arrange her dress and fix her hair,
smiling the while. This lasted more than a quarter of an hour, during
which I had almost forgotten her. Finally, some slight noise attracted my
attention to her, and turning about with impatience I ordered her to
leave the room in such a tone that she at once opened the door and threw
me a kiss before going out.
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