I was dominated by a
certain recollection of past joys.
Having arranged my room to my satisfaction I gave myself up to the
intoxication of despair. I probed my heart to the bottom in order to
sound its depths. A Tyrolean song that my mistress used to sing began to
run through my head:
Altra volta gieri biele,
Blanch 'e rossa com' un flore;
Ma ora no. Non son piu biele,
Consumatis dal' amore.*
* Once I was beautiful, white and rosy as a flower; but now I am
not. I am no longer beautiful, consumed by the fire of love.
I listened to the echo of that song as it reverberated through my heart.
I said: "Behold the happiness of man; behold my little Paradise; behold
my queen Mab, a girl from the streets. My mistress is no better. Behold
what is found at the bottom of the glass when the nectar of the gods has
been drained; behold the corpse of love."
The unfortunate creature heard me singing and began to sing herself. I
turned pale; for that harsh and rasping voice, coming from the lips of
one who resembled my mistress, seemed to be a symbol of my experience. It
sounded like a gurgle in the throat of debauchery. It seemed to me that
my mistress, having been unfaithful, must have such a voice. I was
reminded of Faust who, dancing at Brocken with a young sorceress, saw a
red mouse come from her throat.
"Stop!" I cried. I arose and approached her.
Let me ask you, O, you men of the time, who are bent upon pleasure, who
attend the balls and the opera and who upon retiring this night will seek
slumber with the aid of some threadbare blasphemy of old Voltaire, some
sensible badinage of Paul Louis Courier, some essay on economics, you who
dally with the cold substance of that monstrous water-lily that Reason
has planted in the hearts of our cities; I beg of you, if by some chance
this obscure book falls into your hands, do not smile with noble disdain,
do not shrug your shoulders; do not be too sure that I complain of an
imaginary evil; do not be too sure that human reason is the most
beautiful of faculties, that there is nothing real here below but
quotations on the Bourse, gambling in the salon, wine on the table, a
healthy body, indifference toward others, and the orgies, which come with
the night.
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