"
I ran to the open window: "Is it true that you are empty?" I cried,
looking up at the pale expanse of sky which spread above me. "Reply,
reply! Before I die grant that I may clasp in these arms of mine
something more than a dream!"
Profound silence reigned. As I stood with arms outstretched, eyes lost in
space, a swallow uttered a plaintive cry; in spite of myself I followed
it with my eyes; while the swallow disappeared from sight like a flash, a
little girl passed, singing.
CHAPTER VIII
YET I was not willing to yield. Before taking life on its pleasant side
after having seen its evil side so dearly, I resolved to test everything.
I remained thus for some time a prey to countless sorrows, tormented by
terrible dreams.
The great obstacle to my cure was my youth. Wherever I happened to be,
whatever my occupation, I could think of nothing but women; the sight of
a woman made me tremble.
I had been so fortunate as to give to love my virginity. But the result
of this was that all my senses were united in the idea of love; there was
the cause of my unhappiness. For not being able to think of anything but
women, I could not help turning over in my head, day and night, all the
ideas of debauchery, of false love and of feminine treason with which my
mind was filled. To possess a woman was for me to love her; for I thought
of nothing but women and I did not believe in the possibility of true
love.
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